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Blondie

Digital Mentor
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Posts posted by Blondie

  1. 9 hours ago, Spoink said:

    So, to sum everything up, I have a roommate who I think is acting toxic towards me. They haven't talked to me in a day. I'm almost positive that it's because something I said, but I will explain. I had mentioned to them that I wanted to play Minecraft with them when I got home for the day but that I was probably going to go play poker with a friend group first. To this, they responded "I wish I was invited 😞". It's important to note that this isn't my primary friend group, but my other friend and I hang out with them occasionally. So, I responded (with too many patronizingly obvious statements about the fact that they (my roommate) weren't around much whenever the friendship started, so it's probably that they were just lost in time). Basically, it's not that they were thought of and chosen against, they just weren't thought of. I regretted being so quick to explain what they likely knew, so I apologised after a few back and forths about the situation and said I would be a better listener next time. They reply, thank me, all is well. Later, at the poker party, I was mildly intoxicated, and sent them (one of my best friends, by the way) that I was high and that I wished they were here. Obviously not the best choice, but it's one I shouldn't be crucified for. They respond with a snapchat of their face, with a thumbs up and a face that looked mad at me. I later asked if they were ok, and they said "I'm fine" (all over snapchat.) So, I said to them "By the way, if I've upset you or something, please take your time with telling me and all that, but I would like to make it right if I've wronged you, at your pace". They still haven't responded, and they have ignored me for days before. One time, I beat them at smash bros in a comeback, with me playing a bad character and with them playing a good one. They spiked the controller and didn't talk to me for two days. Also, they have told me that, whenever I have brought up something they do that makes me sad, they feel they're being "made to feel guilty". I am happy to elaborate more or send the conversation from last night if needed. Thanks

    Hey @Spoink and welcome! 

    I can completely understand why you would want to resolve this - it can be uncomfortable and unpleasant living with conflict or awkwardness. Firstly, it's great that you acknowledge what you may have not handled well. As you know, we all communicate in varying ways and they don't always compliment each other. It doesn't always make other ways wrong - just different.

    I'm wondering if it might work to have a chat with them - it seems like you'll need to take the lead - and explain that you'd like to resolve this. Could you suggest a dedicated time that you spend with them (weekly / bi-weekly, whatever you think is good) so that you get a chance to spend time together and get to know each other better. Then maybe agree when they might like to be invited to things. There will of course be times when you just want to hang with your friends without your roommate and this is healthy but spending time with them regularly should diffuse this.

    What do you think?  

  2. 3 minutes ago, Marv said:

    Update! So, I just got back from a doctors appointment. I think I worried her to be honest... I told her about how having a period is giving me really bad thoughts and ideas and that all I want is it to  go away. I also mentioned about gender too. So, on Friday we're going to do a blood test to look at my hormones etc because she wants to make sure there isn't anything wrong with my insides. I dont know if i mentioned it but its been over a year since my last period so thats why she wants to check. Then, next thursday I'm going back to talk about contraception. I also talked to her about gender and she said she's going to see if anyone at my GP does gender stuff. She said I should have a good think about gender stuff for the Thursday appointment. She seemed genuinely worried and concerned so I think I'm good. 

    That sounds hugely positive (not that she's worried) but in that she's concerned and actively seeing what she can do and look at underlying causes. Do you have a sense of relief for having gone and spoken about it?

  3. 4 hours ago, Abigail18 said:

    it went well oh but i don’t wanna go through the pain again why me why why why 😭

    That sounds positive.

    Do you mean that you don't want it to go wrong again? 

  4. 4 hours ago, Marv said:

    Actually, since I've mentioned it, therapy. You guys are based in the UK too right? do you have any advice on getting therapy? I dont have a lot of money, but i have enough to get me something but i dont know the best way to go about it. 

    Yes, we're in the UK - usually most GP surgeries can refer you to a local service where you will get 6-12 weeks of in-person therapy for a donation. If they don't or there's a massive waiting list it's important to ensure you go to someone reputable. We would always recommend you go to a registered, practicing therapist that's registered with a credible body such as UKCP or BPS as they have a minimum training period of at least 450 - 600 hours. Most of the time you have an initial session so you can see how it feels and if you think the therapist would be a good fit for you. Also, check to see what areas they 'specialise' in as many will list things like 'trauma, gender identity, sexuality, anger management' etc. etc. Again, if in any doubt at any point,  check back with you doctor.

    Let us know how you get on! We're always here.

     

     

  5. 6 minutes ago, Marv said:

    Hi @Blondie

    Thank you for your reply. i'm 100% phoning the doctors tomorrow, no doubt about it. I don't think my mom really fully understands how much I hate my period. Like, there's no other way of saying it, I genuinely believe that I should not be bleeding from there, it feels wrong. I've convinced myself so many times that I dont actually have periods, and then when they happen, it's a MASSIVE shock. I have really extreme thoughts about it, some of which I talked about above. I've talked to my friends about it and realised, too, that I think part of it is definitely gender. Currently, I identify as genderfluid, but I've always wondered if I'd be better off transitioning to a guy, even if its just top surgery and testosterone. I dont know. I do have dysphoria. I dont know if this is a coincidence, that I've just happened to get my period at the same time as a masculine period, or if the period is giving me dysphoria. I've always had a very negative relationship with my period, I always cry and breakdown at it. The trouble is, now, I dont know whether to ask to see a gender doctor or a period doctor. I think I need to talk with both. I think tomorrow when I ask for an appointment and they ask what for, I'm just going to say that im not sure but its about my period, gender and mental health and they can put me through to the right doctor, because i really dont know. I do wonder if my hatred for my period has all along been a trans thing, that maybe I'm just experiencing internalised transphobia. In the past, I've cried in the shower because I wondered why I wasn't a guy and why I had breasts etc. Even now being genderfluid, I still reject the label trans. I know not everyone uses the trans label, but i feel like im scared of it and like im maybe in denial? I dont know. I'm so confused.. 

    Completely agree that being able to talk about gender, periods and mental health is a good option. I'm not sure if your doctors does it but you can sometimes book a double appointment so that you're not trying to discuss everything in a fixed time slot.

    With identity, it is incredibly personal how each of us identify - of course, there are similarities in experiences and some of the terms we use but you can still be having a lived 'trans' experience but not identify with the label at all. I think as people, we just try and find names and labels in order to understand things but ultimately how you feel and your experience overrides all of that.

    If you had the opportunity to discuss both the periods and your identity (and how they intersect) it does feel like you'd make some progress in moving forwards. Most gender identity clinics will have a huge amount of experience in this.

    Hopefully once you have a doctors appointment in place it'll feel like you've made an important first step.

    Meanwhile, do you think it might be helpful to note on whatever type of calendar you use, when your period may be due in order to decrease the shock? That must feel awful every time it happens and I'm trying to think of ways to reduce that shock.

     

  6. 19 hours ago, Marv said:

    Okay, so this is gonna be deep and I really, really don't know if it's something for this page but I really really don't know where else to go with it. It does involve stuff about gender too tho so. 

    So, I'm biologically female and 20. I had my first period at 16. It didn't take me long to realise how much I despised it. Now, I know everyone hates their period, no one likes it, but this is way more than just hating it. Blood freaks me out at the best of times, but to me it really shouldn't be coming out my body freely. I don't know why I think that, but I do. It scares me. I do not want children. Relationship-wise, I'm into females/women, so I'm never going to have male-female sex. I do not want children - I want to repeat that. I have never wanted them myself. I don't want to carry or give birth to children. IF (and it's a big if) I ever want children, I will adopt. I have thought  this for as long as I can remember. This is where it gets deep. I started my period today after a year of not having it (I've been to the doctors about it before) and immediately I started thinking about how I could get rid of it. I was prescribed tablets a while back which reduce the flow by 50% for when it goes crazy heavy, and I instantly thought about taking LOADS of them - which of course would not be healthy. I have wished on numerous occasions of getting some sort o f medical problem or disease or cancer or something in my uterus which would mean I could get it removed. I am also genderfluid and get dysphoria when I feel masculine, and having a period really doesn't help this. Having periods has always hindered me; it's stopped me going to places, it's stopped me doing activities I love doing, I fear it, I dread it. I think about it all the time. The other thing is weight. I heard once (and I don't even know how true this is) that being underweight affects your period (i.e reduces it), so now I have a very unhealthy relationship with weight and my period. I've always been conscious about my weight in fear that if I get too heavy or gain more weight that me period will start coming more regularly. Technically I'm already SLIGHTLY (only slightly) underweight. The thing is, I'd rather be skinny, underweight with no period than a healthy weight with a period. I know how bad these thought are.  I also drink less in an attempt to A) reduce the flow (no idea if that even works) B) so i dont have to face going to the toilet so much. I should probably also mention that I have OCD and possibly autism, no idea if that makes a difference but it could explain my odd POV. 

    I told my friend and he thinks I should talk to my doctors ASAP - should I? It seems like a silly question considering how much it's impacted me, but could they even do anything? I fear that they wouldn't take it seriously. I'd hope so considering that some of these thoughts are really really bad....  I have told my Mum once before and all she said was 'but all girls have to go through it, you can't do anything about it, it isn't that bad' which absolutely shattered me. 

    Hey @Marv it's clear how much this is affecting you and the way you have described everything, you have given it a lot of thought and a lot of it entirely reasonable - after all anyone that has periods will (I think) to a degree relate to the feeling of "I'm just bleeding and carrying on with my life". It goes against our instinct which is to react to blood loss as an emergency. 

    However, you're aware of the things you do in hopes of reducing flow and that wanting to remain underweight in the hope of periods stopping. I agree that advice along the lines "just put up with it" is supremely unhelpful so I wonder if you mum realises the actual impact this is having on you?

    I would definitely agree with a visit to your doctor as they may be able to support you through this and discuss potential ways to deal with this. At the very least it would give you a starting point to find out a little more and often, being proactive about our bodies is a huge deal. You deserve the space to discuss your concerns.

    What do you think?

  7. On 8/14/2021 at 3:50 AM, Abigail18 said:

    it’s ok but i never seen them yet i am tomorrow and hopefully things go well if not it is what it is you know 

    Let us know how you got on!

  8. 13 hours ago, JustArden said:

    oooh thrillers, playing like you're a detective haha. Never actually gave thrillers a try, I could read it sometime. Yeahh, when there's one there is more. So I found Brandon sanderson and Nicola Yoon. Really awesome to find books you like. 

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  9. 4 hours ago, Randomgirl. said:

    That’s a great idea! Thanks 🙂 I’m going on holidays for a few nights so I won’t be seeing her until next Friday 😞 

    I know that must feel like forever but at least it gives you a little time to work up to it. And hopefully the holiday will be fun - are you doing anything exciting? 

  10. 19 minutes ago, Randomgirl. said:

    Thank you so much this is already so helpful! I only met her in the last few months. We play camogie together (that’s an Irish sport idk where your from u might not have heard of it -look it up if u have a chance!). I see her about twice a week and when we’re together we get on really well. I feel so different around her. Like I’m genuinely happy. No other emotions like stress anxiety, just happy. ( also kinda nervous lol) I would love to become even better friends with her and maybe meet outside of training but I wudnt even know how, or if she would want that. 

    Okay - firstly I've looked up Camogie and it's all sorts of amazing! 

    Amaze GIF

    It feels like you've know her long enough to try just casually dropping in a "do ya fancy hanging out sometime" type thing to see how she reacts. It would be good to get to know her a little better anyway as you say. You'd have a better chance of finding out more about her rather than just at camogie. Have an idea or two ready of where you could go in case she says yes so it'll be a bit smoother.

    When are you next due to see her? 

  11. Hey @Randomgirl. and welcome! No apologies needed 🙂 

    Firstly, it's completely usual and healthy to question our sexuality - for some people they always know and it doesn't waver, but for so many others it can be a pretty fluid or evolving part of our lives. Don't rush it - and do exactly what you are already doing - allowing yourself to be open to who you might be attracted to.

    Crushes for everyone can be pretty overwhelming and consuming for all sorts of reasons, whether they end up being romantic, sexual or the feeling isn't returned. But even so we learn a lot about ourselves through them and will usually look back and see them as pretty pivotal parts of our lives. Sometimes it can turn out that the crush is more connected to finally understanding your sexuality rather than the actual person (although I'm sure she's awesome!)

    Take your time getting to know this other girl - you could potentially drop in the convo questions that might give you an indication.

    How did you meet her and how often do you get to hang out? 

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  12. 15 hours ago, JustArden said:

    Yes!! I'm on a Adam Silvera mission, I already read all Patricks books (which are only 2 novels and a side story yet) Never found someone who loves the same books as me tbh, my friends dont come close to how much I read. What are your absolute fav books/authors??

    I really like thrillers like Harlan Coben as you keep changing your mind over who has done what! Thankfully there is an almost never ending supply of similar writers - I get completely lost in the plots! 

  13. 21 minutes ago, Harun said:

    today ı started doing exercising and riding bicycle.I feel better right now.And having no bad thing with my friend.I talked to him and everything is fine right now.Sorry for my bad english.So the point is ı feel better than the yesterday.Have a nice day great people! 🙂

    That's so good to hear! Hope your weekend is amazing!

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  14. 15 hours ago, Harun said:

    thank you for helping me ın this bad situation.I really love you all.I am going to talk to my friend tomorrow.Have a nice day!

    @Harun We're here for you! Let us know how you get on 🙂 

    Have a great day too!

  15. 23 minutes ago, JustArden said:

    alright! And my fav types of books are fantasy/contemporary with like 600 pages? Authors probably Patrick rothfuss, Rainbow rowell, Adam silvera and Marlies Slegers probably, A whole list lol

    ooooh nice! You can really get lost in those books! Once I find an author or genre I really like I get almost on a mission of having to read ALL of their stuff and ALL of the books in a series.

    And then if you find someone who loves the same book or series ------ bliss!

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  16. On 8/11/2021 at 11:31 AM, Abigail18 said:

    swimming was eh ig and i’m watching gilmore girls 

    Hey @Abigail18 I'm one of the support mentors - hope you don't mind me jumping in while Monsoon is on leave. 🙂 

    Gilmore Girls is a great choice! - It's the kind of programme that you can just comfortably sink into and watch again! I really like swimming but have to make myself actually swim as otherwise I tend to just float about  aimlessly as it's sooo relaxing just chilling in the water. Did everything go okay with the friends you went with?

  17. 15 minutes ago, Whats_Sleep said:

    Thank you for the concern! I’m doing ok, how are you? I can assure you that my sister is ok and safe, also she is around 21. While my dad has been abuse in the past, there has been only rare occasions that it’s physical. I will be 19 when I graduate and move out for collage and that’s almost 4 years from now. While my mom has had thought of divorcing my dad, we haven’t had that much money at the moment. 
    Anyways, how’s your life? Anything fun or new? 

    Hey, I completely echo was monsoon says - your safety /security must be a priority. However, of course it's completely natural to want to share all parts of your life with your loved ones and be able to be completely authentic. And trying to stick to other people's expectations is hard. The hair cutting I completely relate to - I had super long and curly hair for years when I was younger and hated it! I was super sporty and it was a real nuisance and always sweaty and tangled!

    My dad completely forbid me to get it cut as "girls have long hair" 🙄 When I was 14 I had some money from a part time job so I plucked up the courage to go and get it cut and I had inches of it cut off which was amazing! He was furious of course but did eventually come around to it even if he still would have preferred me to have long hair again. 

  18. 26 minutes ago, Harun said:

    It started like 1 or 2 years ago.When ı became a teenager ı started more arguing with my family,my friends etc.Now ı only have 1 close friend.But ı starting to feel like he getting away from me and ı don't know why.I did not done a such thing.I always had a respect to my family,to my friends,to everyone actually.And ı don't know why ı started to think ı am ugly.I want to change something ın my life but something just stops me to do that.I need some help.

    Do you feel able to have a chat with your friend about this? Sometimes we can so easily get caught up inside our own heads about what others think about us (and this will mostly be negative stuff) when actually, they don't feel that way at all. It could be reassuring to hear and be a good start to moving forwards feeling better about yourself.

    A good place to start can be thinking about things that you like about yourself as we're always quick to think about the negative stuff! What are 3 things you like about yourself and it can be absolutely ANYTHING - interests, skills, the colour of your eyes, how good you are at maths..... anything. 

  19. 12 hours ago, JustArden said:

    Hello Blondie,

    Can I? that's very hard but uh, I like my freckles. I like that i'm creative, two more.. That I can sink into a book fast? I can't think of a 4th one tbh. But those are 3?

    That's an awesome start! It honestly takes practice (and patience!) SO with you on the books - genuinely love being immersed into a good book. What are your favourite types of books or authors? 

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