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  1. Just FYI, She contradicts her all the time: she would say that I'm really smart and tell me that I'm actually dumb. I don't really mind comments such as "you're dumb" and others because they barely do any damage. Anyways, sorry if the narrative doesn't make a bit of sense -- it's because of her occasional contradictions
  2. Hi @Blondie Thanks for your response. I would occasionally have suicidal thoughts, but they are temporary and not severe to a point where I would act on behalf of those thoughts -- so yes, I am safe. I guess what's really stopping me from committing suicide is my future goal in life. I just don't know how I should deal with the comments from my parents. Outside home, she brags to her friends about how I am the smartest student and has made numerous accomplishments (rank #1 GPA). She acts as if she's really proud of who I am. At home, I'm just another instrument to measure how "successful" my mom was at raising me -- I'm no more than a mere achievement to her. I guess the biggest problem is how I can deal with her reward-driven, vain and narcissistic comments regarding who I am as a person.
  3. TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE AND SEX Hi All, For a couple of years, I've had a negative view towards alcohol -- it influenced how my mother acted towards me. In 5th grade, I came back home to see my mother vomiting, puking and making sexual jokes on the floor. She asked "who are you? I don't know you." I told her that I was her son, which she dismissed immediately. I had to call my mother's friend to clean her mess up because she looked like she was going to kill me if I got close to her. This was a very pivotal moment of my life. I never viewed my mother ever since. Afterwards, nothing much happened. Maybe three times of attempted suicide. In one particular instance, I was on the ledge of my apartment (which is on the 15th floor). I initially just wanted attention, to show her that I want affection. But it backfired -- she said "jump if you can, I don't give a fuck. It's actually better because I don't need to pay for your tuition." Man, I was in 7th grade. I was shocked. I climbed back in the house and lived my life just as it was. Lastly, in the 10th grade, I found out I was not meant to be born. Being this old, I wanted to be mature about it. However, the fact that my mom just blatantly talked about having sex with my dad on Valentines day was a shocker. She said that's when she got pregnant -- she did not plan to have me. I don't blame her, many parents don't plan for a baby (it was still a bit shocking). At that moment, to not look shocked or embarrassed, I shrugged it off saying "haha expired condoms I guess?" Even saying this was hard for me because I had to just fake that I was okay with what she just said. But she answered this rhetorical question, saying "no, you were just not meant to be. I took birth control pills but they did not work because I took them too late." Shocking. To my mother, this may not have come off as a big deal but it was to me. Since then, my relationship with my mother has worsened. I became short-tempered and never really listened to what she would tell me. Whenever she tells me I am a disappointment and useless, I just shrug it off because I think that she's inferior to who I am. But this thought has grown into me, and despite my mother being a "bitch" she is my mother after all, and I guess I care somewhat about her. The main reason why I care for my mother is because our family does not live together. My dad only visits in the weekends, and I am only able to not commit suicide because of my great admiration and love for my dad. And it's really annoying how my mom switches up when my dad is home -- she makes it seem like I'm the villain. Recently, she talked about how stupid I was just like a disabled person. Not only does she criticize me but she also holds this really conservative view towards disabled people, which annoys me. My mom repeatedly criticizes me in all aspects possible, and it has come to a point where it's not easy to cope with. Initially, I told my self she's inferior to me and does not mean what she says. But, I now think she does mean it. How do I deal with my mom's comments? How am I supposed to live in a family where my mom does not really think of me as a son but as a burden? How do I stop being a "thing" but a person to my mom?
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