TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE
Hi whoever reads this,
This talks about suicide a bit so if you get triggered by it , please dont read this.
I've been feeling very depressed and passively suicidal for quite some time now, but i dont know how i could get help. I feel so lost and confused and I dont really see living as worthwhile anymore. It seems so tiresome and useless. I can't talk to anyone, because im so distant from everyone, including my own family. Every single day, i'm overwhelmed with thoughts of killing and hurting myself. I hate myself and wish i had never existed at all. I cause trouble for my parents and make them worry and fight with each other. It also hurts because they dont care. They just want me to study 24/7. I can't concentrate with anything anymore and i feel like i will mess my grades up. They hate me and are so disgusted with me for being so weak and self harming. I can't escape from all the things ive done in life nor in death. The only thing that keeps me alive these days is the fact that if i died this way, id be a sinner and dissapoint my parents. I'm pretty sure barely any of my friends care about me anymore. I know I'm so lucky to even have parents and friends and i know this looks ungrateful. I probabaly am being ungrateful. I dont want to live like this. I dont want to hate every moment i am still breathing. I don't to feel like a mistake. I dont want to live a life that my parents put out for me. I don't want to cry every day. I don't want to feel so lost and alone. I don't want to feel so overwhelmed. I dont want to feel like im drowning every second of the day. I dont want to be me. And the worst thing is im afraid to get help, I've never been diagsed with anything and it confuses me a lot. People have told me so many times to get help, but i just cant and i dont see a way for me to get help, because im too cowardly. i'm dont have control over anything in my life and its so suffocating it hurts and i want to scream. Im sorry if this is confusing, I just wanted to vent and i omitted a lot of stuff out so its a bit ...
Sorry for wasting your time.