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Kaitlyn

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I'm worried/nervous about this thing.


Kaitlyn

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So my family knows that I like both guys and girls, but no one else knows. I mean, there was this girl I told at my church who was Pan herself but I don't see her anymore. I have this friend, we're been friends for over a decade now, and I have a feeling she is gonna find out pretty soon cuz I might start dating in the very near future. We're all Christians but I don't know if she is the type [ or if her family is ] that is okay with having a Bi Christian friend. I'm worried that I might lose her as a friend. But if she doesn't want to be friends anymore, then I'll deal with it. What I am scared about is that when her family finds out, then her brothers won't hang out with my brothers because of me. I'm also scared that when people find out then nobody will want to date me. I know there is nothing I can do to avoid this, but are there ways I can at least ease them into it? She's my only friend, I don't want to lose her because of me.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Kaitlyn

I'm glad to hear that you family know you like both guys and girls; how does it feel being out to them? I think that with this friend, although it would hurt to lose her, if they cannot accept your sexuality, then they probably aren't the best person to have around. What do you think? I'm wondering, has anything ever happened which makes you think that she might not be okay with having a bi friend? 

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Not really her, just her family. Her parents are the type where they don’t allow their kids to watch anything with girls wearing tank tops, any swearing, and especially LGBT+ stuff. And there were a few times I was over at their house and one of her brother’s talked about LGBT+ all of a sudden and how it’s wrong. Insert *Bi panic*. I have a feeling she might not be like that, I have never heard her opinion about the subject, but that also worry’s me. As for my family, I was never really ‘in the closet’, when I suspected I was into girls I wasn’t sure how to tell my Mom so I just gave her very obvious hints, and she figured it out in no time. She didn’t like it, but told me she would always be there for me. As for my brothers, my older brother only corrected me on the terms and my younger brothers were awkward about it. But that’s it. It’s been about two years and they’re pretty much use to it I guess. There’s still awkward moments when I pull something LGBT+ up or when I brought a rainbow green knitted frog. I know there’s no avoiding it so I’m just waiting for the reactions. The other problem about that is I use to have a crush on my friend’s brother for over a decade and now I’m trying to get over it because I like him, but not really as in ‘I want to date him’ kind of way. Not that I think he would date me if he found out I was also into girls. But honestly, I think a lot of my friends and family wouldn’t stop talking to me because I’m Bi, there is this one woman who’s a daughter of a friend of my Mom who is Bi and had a son with her boyfriend. Her Mom still loves her and she even had a rainbow tattoo on her hand for the month of Pride. I think a lot of people we know won’t treat me differently. And that’s why I’m not too worried about people finding out I’m Bi. At least, I hope that’s true.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Kaitlyn

Thank you for explaining how her family are. I think that with your friend, it could be a good sign that you've never heard her opinion; for many people, they are just okay with it all and don't even mention it - what do you think? Also, I'm glad to hear that your mom said she would always be there for you and I can imagine that this was really comforting for you to hear 🙂

I'm wondering, if you are still anxious about the way your friend might react, is there a way you can try and find out how she feels about LGBTQ+? 

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I’ve tried hinting, but I think I should just let her found out on her own. I thought that if they found out either by asking me and I say I’m Bi, or, if I’m dating a girl then maybe they might be a bit more at ease with it. Mostly because I’m not shoving it in their faces or doing anything bad. I’m a bit of a trouble-maker in my family, well maybe not anymore, but I don’t do anything bad-bad. I don’t cuss around them, I don’t watch things with them if their parents say they can’t, I don’t think I’m a bad influence. I’m hoping that if they see me as a good kid and as a good friend to their kids then maybe they won’t think differently of me when they find out. I guess one way would be if the subject of Pride or Pride Month came up, I could very subtlety ask her opinion about it. However, if they can’t even accept that I’m Bi, then they definitely will think there’s something wrong with me upon finding out I’m also Ace.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

How are you, Kaitlyn? When you've hinted, what kind of things did you say/do? I think that she will react however she feels necessary, regardless of how she finds out. I think that the longer you can be open about your sexuality, the more at ease you'll feel. What do you think? Yeah, maybe you could ask what they think about Pride Month. Even if they say they don't accept or agree with it, just remember that people change their minds all the time, and it can just take knowing someone who is LGBTQIA+ to help open their mind up. Do you think that could happen?

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Once, I wore this shirt that had Love written over stripes of each color, but I don’t know if it was all the colors in the flag. They didn’t do or say anything about it when we hung out. Sometimes I would talk about a show that has gay characters in them or play it on the TV when they’re around.  But still nothing. I honestly don’t really care about people knowing I’m Bi, I wanted my family to know cuz if I ever dated it would kinda impact them. But it wouldn’t concern friends. My dating life is my decision alone, and if people can’t be respectful of it then I’ll have to cut them off. I believe that maybe they will be accepting of me, I’m hoping. And right now, I’m alright. The only other thing is that I don’t know any other gay people so I’ll have to go out and really look for others like me to date.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

Yeah, it might be that the top wasn't a clear hint. Are there any other clearer hints that you could possibly do? Like talking to them about an interest you have in an LGBTQ+ show or film, or ask their opinion on Pride month as you said? I'm glad to hear that you believe that they maybe will be accepting of you, but in a way, I guess it's also good to let go of caring what other people think. If they don't agree with it, then that's their problem, not yours. What do you think? 

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I don’t know, I’m honestly too scared to try hinting. I was nervous enough with the shirt and the TV shows. What I’m really tryin’ to figure out is if she and her family turn sour after finding out I’m Bi, I want to find ways I can at least try to mend our friendship. I don’t want to lose her as a friend because she’s my only friend, but also because I don’t want my brothers to lose their friendship with her siblings. I don’t want to be the reason nobody wants to be friends with my brothers. I don’t want to give my brothers a reason to hate me. It took my younger brother a while to get use to me liking girls, it was awkward between us at first. But they seem okay with it now, and I don’t want my relationship with my brothers to end because people start showing disgust and/or hate. I believe LGBTQ+ people who are open about themselves to their friends and family are so brave, especially when people do leave them. Because even though they knew that could happen, they still do it, they still love who they love even when people are hateful to them. And I feel like a coward because I’m too scared to do that myself. I wish I was as brave as they are, but instead when someone jokingly asks if I have a boyfriend yet, I just keep my mouth shut. I identify as Bi, but I’m strongly more attracted to women, but I still like guys. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. All I know is, I want my coming out to be people finding out I have a girlfriend. Because I think that I the best thing I can do, I feel like it would make me feel more confident in myself that I’m not lying to myself or just in a “phase”. But mainly I want to till then because they would give me the confidence I would need to tell people. I’m a scaredy-cat when I want to do things, but if it’s for someone else I feel a bit braver. I don’t know, I lack a lot of self-confidence and feel like I’m just lying to myself about liking girls. I’m afraid I’ll date a girl, find out I don’t like girls that way, and hurt them. I don’t want that. I don’t feel secure in my sexuality, it’s one of the reasons I wish I had Lesbian friends, so that I didn’t feel so alone and disgusted at myself. I’m surrounded by straights 24/7, who are weirded out when I say something to do with something gay or whatever. Sorry I talked so much, I have no one to talk to about this stuff. I kept so much inside because of that.

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No, everything’s alright right now. I just wish I knew LGBTQ+ friendly people irl that I could talk to. There are so many times, almost all of the time, that I feel so alone. But there is this one person who I’m gonna be talking to soon that may help me with stuff. But I don’t know what this person’s opinion is about gay people so I’m hoping they are LGBTQ+ friendly and that they can help me help myself. Other then that crap, I’m good.

Edited by Kaitlyn
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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear things are going better. Did you end up talking to the person who you said may be able to help you with stuff? If so, how did it go? :) 

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