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Sad vibes of 2022


Alex.

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Umm, where do I start? Ok, I’ll just put this into words…anyways, for the past three years, I have been depressed, mentally sick, and memories of my past creep around me. My mom has called the mental facility people like 5 times, and honestly, I don’t want to go, it all seems scary. I used to ( and sometimes do) hurt myself, when I’m angry over simple things I have done. It isn’t my fault for doing that or saying this, somethings I just can’t control. People joke about my sadness, it isn’t funny. I was alone for a whole school year, that’s how it all started. Covid ruined my life, I’m recovering from it all and no one respects me for it. People don’t want me in general, I try, I try so hard to be someone greater than my special ED label, be that girl who wrote a giant historical fiction novel. People exulde me at school, it hurts. Lately, I’ve been not eating a lot and lost weight ( I would eat more if I chose to), but I just have too much anxiety- there is a lot going on in the south and my dad agrees with every southern governor and it scares me because I have a different opinion than him, being demisexual ( well at least for now) and how my parents will react to it, war in Ukraine, and personal issues, all form into this bubble that I can’t pop. I just wish people saw my strengths and not my weaknesses, it would mean one less red scar on my arm. I just feel like nobody understands me, I can’t be sad or feel sad feelings, if I do I will be taken to a mental hospital automatically. So I have to hide everything inside of me, just like I have done before. I’m a great writer, but everyone sees the girl with dysgraphia. I don’t like love, yet people are always wanting me to like people. My family wants me to be happy, and I try to be happy, but I can’t be that happy girl I was in 2018. So, I’ll try to be less sad, but it’s hard when you are forced to smile, I’m hiding too much under it. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey Alexis,

Thank you for being so open with us about how you're feeling. From this post and another you've made, I can really see how hard you're trying to keep these feelings in, and I'm wondering, how do you think that might be affecting your life? Also, how has it been for you sharing your experiences here so far? 

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hi! I’m not very open about my feelings unless it’s with words. Keeping feelings in isn’t right, I’m just afraid people will judge me for everything I think or say. It’s been good sharing my experiences

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I'm glad it's been good sharing your experiences here. I'm wondering, is there anyone in your life who you know wouldn't judge you if you told them your feelings? 

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My friends. My best friends would never judge me. Sorry for late response I was going through stuff

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

No need to apologise. I'm wondering, could you maybe be more open to your friends then? What would that be like? 

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Well, one of my BFFs are actually a member of ditch the label, and she is very positive towards me. She makes me feel like i belong and she is one of the three people that know my secrets. I have three BFFs that I can trust and they accept me for me. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

That's good :)

Have you been able to be more open about your feelings recently? How's that going for you? 

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Well, I’m teaching my sister how to be an ally, and although I’m still closeted, I know if I come out I will be supported by her. She knows I like girls, and doesn’t experience a lot of s3xual attraction towards ppl, but I haven’t told her my labels just yet. I have been talking to my cousins online now after three years, even though we haven’t seen each other in person, its still good to talk to them. I’m not open to my parents about my identities, but I’m fine with being closeted, my time will come. I still get scared sometimes, but not a lot of sadness currently. I also feel like a mix of female and genderqueer, but I don’t identify as Demigirl. 

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