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It’s alright to be human


Alex.

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Over the past years, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Too many for me to count. From simple ones like suffering from a panic attack and everyone looking, to big ones like yelling at my parents over hidden feelings that I still keep inside. Every time I messed up, it changed me, for the better and the worse. I learn from each one, how to wipe fallen tears, and breathe. But, my only problem with messing up, is the constant weight of self doubt and blame. Today in theatre, I did terrible with my blocking, and I blamed myself for everything, thinking I had wasted everyone’s time. I said sorry to almost everyone in my class, including to someone who is in a different grade than me, just because I felt like I needed to. People are sick about me saying sorry, I say it even when I do nothing wrong. In my heart, when I’m all alone, I blame myself for existing, for being alive - a survivor. Being a survivor is hard, you get all these feelings that one person can’t control alone. Really though, it’s when I’m at my breaking point where I find the tape to fix what I broke. When memories flash in my head and tell me to keep moving when I feel lost and stupid. The things I was told form into a list, one that I have access to secretly. The rules of life are: one, you matter always, two, your mistakes don’t define you, it’s how you handle them, and three, words may hurt you but at the same time they can save you and other people. I lean on those three things all the time, ever since they were said to me. Like I said before, my anxiety that I suffer from, isn’t who I really am, people who love me know it isn’t. That’s ok, I don’t need to be known as a brave and strong by everyone, just a few people is enough for me.

I’m learning. I’m learning more about life and about myself, who I can be as a person. You’re learning too, even the eldest person in the world still has a few things to catch up on. That’s because we are human, and being human is alright. Humans may be ugly, but they can be beautiful too. I just want everyone to give people some credit, everyone is fighting a battle that no one else sees. Instead of tearing them down we can lift them up, that’s what we all deserve at the end of the day. It’s amazing how we can act towards people like us, giving them hugs and hope. I see that everyday, and I’m forever grateful for it. We make mistakes, but the real purpose of them isn’t to say sorry all the time, but to grow. That’s where the best knowledge and how the smartest people get smart. Albert Einstein, ( born early like me and struggled with a lot of mistakes), probably got a bunch of equations wrong in the making of being a world genius. Did he give up? No. He kept trying. And trying. And failing. And succeeding. That’s because success comes from failure itself.

Edited by Alexis.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing this. I think we all definitely have beaten ourselves up over making mistakes at some point, but as you said, we are all human, and we are all learning :)

I noticed what you said about how one of your mistakes was having a panic attack when people could see. I'm wondering, can you tell me more about why you feel this is a mistake?

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Hi! I had a panic attack in the morning in front of my friends when I came out as demisexual to my friends and disagreed with my dad about some laws in the south. I was worried that I was unloved if I told them. It was a mistake because I was and still am keeping this secret and lying to everyone when they ask me if I’m ok. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

It sounds like you were pretty stressed at the time which is totally understandable, especially for coming out. How are you feeling about the coming out and disagreeing with your dad now? 

Also, how did your friend react?

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