Hello Lovelies! (Just a little disclaimer if this may be a tad confusing that is because it is like 2:00 Am ish and I don't sleep lol.)
So today I am talking about for the first time ever about my first flame I guess. Nothing went on between us at all I pretty much just had a huge crush on him. This is more the experience of my first crush.
So this was late last year early this year, I played basketball and my coaches were a dad of one of the girls (Who isn't overly important in this story) and a husband and wife duo who are parents of a different girl. The second girl I was fairly close with, she was pretty cool. I had always been a nervous mess at basketball practice and games I had no idea what I was doing in the first place but I was an extra mess for a reason that I wouldn't figure out for 6-8 months. I was 11 years old, I still at that time pretty much hated everyone except for a few people. I was going through a really tough time in my life, I was depressed and confused about a lot of things. I would always be very happy to go to basketball practice. I eventually figured out after a lot of being extremely confused about feelings I was feeling realised that I had a crush on my coach, the husband of the husband wife duo. I'll call them Jack and Amelia. I realised I liked Jack at a basketball practice, it was just the dads that night, I don't remember why off the top of my head. I started to wear clothes that made me look a bit older, that were tighter, or lower cut, I didn't want to 100% do that because i'm short and have some meat on my bones to say the least and I still am a bit to this day insecure of my body. I had this one shirt that somehow made me look taller, I was 4 foot 10 and am now 5 foot 2, it made me look taller and it was tight in the chest area so at that moment exactly what I was looking for. Some of this I just remember some of it is from diary entries from that time. I literally wrote in my diary multiple times in the course of about a months writing about 4-5 times a week "Coach Jack is pretty hot." I mean he was, he was 42 (99% sure.) and looked like he was 30 at most, and he was just hot in general. I didn't really want to pursue anything with him ever just because of his wife Amelia. Amelia was always very nice to me and loved that I tried my hardest even though I thought I sucked at it. I enjoyed being around coach Jack and would fantasize about him from time to time. I knew he would never feel the same way about me and I was ok with that.
I wasn't proud of this and i'm still not. The closest i've come to telling anyone this is briefly mentioning it to Ms. A's daughter one time. There was a lot that went on in my mind during this time that I cannot even begin to explain. Jack was the first crush I ever had, the first person who turned me on and the one who will go down in my history book as my first experience with those kind of feelings. To this day I still have not fully come to terms with anything, I still like him a little bit. It mostly sparks back up when I see him. I don't see him often at all, because he didn't coach my age in basketball this year and I didn't play this year. Whenever i'm asked if I have a crush I say no because I have parts of my life that I don't want to share in a game of truth or dare. It was a little t fun to learn to box out with him. There were some other things that I did that i'm embarrassed about and I'm not totally sure if i'm ready to share them yet. I was weird quirky and figuring out what was going on in my mind. There was one bad thing that i'm partially blaming on this but I probably shouldn't, at the end of the season, literally the practice the night before the championship game I got shin splints, I pushed myself to hard in what I assume was me subconsciously trying to impress Jack, and I hurt myself. It wasn't bad I just had an extremely low pain tolerance at that point.
In all this man was always kind to me, and was a perfect gentleman. When we learned to box out, he would warn me before doing anything and for more of the touchy, high contact stuff her would ask me if that was ok. I was treated with respect. He earned my forever respect by acting like that. I lied a little bit saying I didn't play this year. I made it through about a month of practice and dropped out. I can keep up with the running cause turns out I have asthma. I want to make it very clear that I am most likely never going to tell Jack about this, If I do. I would write him a letter my senior year telling him about that year, but from my perspective. I have had trouble bringing this up, because I don't know if this is normal or i'm nuts. I hope to find a different guy to obsess over maybe thats my age this time. I'm not sure how to end this in this format because I left out so much of the story. I will share it in my own time but for now...
Goodbye lovelies, signing off.
Edited by Daisie