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Near Death Experience Today, so YAY


Chabela

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Haha ☠️  yep yep

Pronouns; He/him

I had such Poetry Juice creativity today and I´m pretty proud of this. 

Name: Trying to find my purpose, day number 1;

I don´t even realize it. I don´t even realize that I´m thinking about their arms until I feel them wrapped around me for those few precious seconds we have. I don´t acknowledge it. I don´t acknowledge their light brown eyes becoming dark with intensity when they looks at me until I am within a distance that I can feel them burying holes in mine with so much yearning that I have to look away and refresh myself before looking at them again. Not knowing how so easily they can make heat creep into my cheeks, but then leave and walk away so naturally, as if I don´t exist; as if I am the only one feeling it. Which, is basically the most logical, painful reason. they doesn´t know it, I know they doesn´t, but my voice is basically breathless when I´m talking to them. If I didn´t feel anything towards them, if nothing at all, I probably would have snarky remarks to match with theirs, but silly me, I let them get away, let them slip through my fingers every day. And every day, they´re back. Temporarily, they´re there, for me, a hug, a wrap around the shoulders, a yank to my hood, or even thrashing me to the ground, they´re still there. And I know I´m wasting my time; I knew it then and I know it now, but it doesn´t stop me from talking to them. Doesn´t stop me from following them like the creep I am. Never stops me from getting up close. My forever question; why them? I can´t not ask that question. Because I know one thing that I hate. I hate it. I hate that….

That I want them.

Want

them. 

So bad. Way too much. I guess that’s why I´ve always seemed so awkward in front of them. My friends see it. they thinks it because others say I do. And they are not wrong..at all. And I want to cry. Bury me into a pillow, because like every other tragic story, being melodramatic and all, I will never have 

them. 

I will never have the chance to say how I love their braces, never get to hug them with such attachment, the way I want to, really want to. Ever never ever, get to trace my fingers over their hands and be mesmerized, just holding them for hours on end. Can´t breathe, can´t breathe. Won´t breathe. Because if I will breathe, I´d have to have them to finally breathe, finally breathe their essence, my oxygen. There I go again, melodramatic :D I´m just deranged right now. Blind. Mother said I don´t need contacts. The doctors don´t recommend glasses. Yet it’s clear, the image of their smile. And every time I think of that smile, I´m shocked at the fact that I realize I want to lick it. Want to lick them. Uhm. I should stop now. This melodrama is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cliche´. You know, it’s weird. Whenever they and I are close, it feels wrong. Well, maybe it’s because we both have girlfriends, but I think it’s because being this close, we both know what we´re capable, and what the one is able of. And I don´t know, but I think, on my side, that I´m afraid. I´m afraid, if I get too close to them, I´ll do something I´ll regret…...or like way too much than I´m supposed to. Afraid that we´ll cross the boundaries, the rules, and have ourselves pinned to a wall, have us in a space, in a trance so mentally hypnotizing and paralyzed, that we can´t stop. Because I know. I see it in their eyes, feel it in mine. Both are careful, trying not to crack the thin ice that keeps our ¨friendship¨ intact. That keeps us from taking it too far, to making a move that we´ll like too much. Oh, silly, silly me. I keep saying ¨we¨, but I think everyone who knows us, knows I´m just talking about me :) and I´m fine about that. I really am. Just need to get out of 8th grade before they gets to ever touch me the way I want them to, or I touch them the way I want to. Oh well, enough melodrama for today ^-^

 

 

 

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